you know when you have a moment of sudden clarity and understanding about yourself and your feelings and the way your brain works??? (or is that just me??) i love those moments because it feels like unlocking a new level of my growth or something... like it opens my mind up to think about things in a different way as opposed to the ways i've been re-treading it pointlessly before hand.

i had one this morning, sort of prompted a little bit by last night with my boyfriend. i don't know why it prompted it, but we were hanging out and i can't even remember the conversation really, i just know i suddenly felt very happy with him and it was sad to have to leave, and i realized all the things that worry me are just... irrelevant? i think?

i dunno, i realized i've got a lot of guilt and shame around sex and relationships. i realized i'm carrying around so much of that with me that it sits and somehow builds resentment around my relationships. but that's not my voice that speaks when i feel it, my brain replays or imagines other peoples' reactions and words and they kind of all blur together to create a standard that i don't even like or care about.

i'm constantly comparing and contrasting and analysing pointless things realizing i'm doing it not with my voice. it's like a social media/everyone else demon possessing my thoughts. like, i shouldn't be happy with this, i shouldn't be okay with this, etc. what a weird thing to do, actually. and that realization feels like it suddenly made everything shift for me, and all that guilt and shame i felt lately just lifted.

--and anyway i got distracted while writing this trying to resist the urge to fight my boss. so i don't really remember the original train of thought i had. he's tried to book weeks of annual leave without my asking or consent, which i do not appreciate and also he's a nonce. there's that.

original point being.... my kinks are not bad ones. they do not hurt people. except for me. and as long as me and my bf are enjoying them, that's okay? my wants for romance are not bad. just kinda unconventional??

tl;dr i am so good at overthinking that i can do the thinking for other people but not myself.