ouughh i've got to update my blog here more i got shit to talk about, just no time to sit down and update my site. unpacking is so long, small renovations while also working, is so long, i am extremely tired. i'm getting lots of hours at work which is great, because i very much do need the money, especially with the pay raises, but i am not meant for it... i'm debating to take a year off from study so i can focus on the house and working and also, recovering mentally and physically, because it's already all a lot to do without some assignment deadlines and study time looming over me each month (i have not been studying at all).

i feel like every time i sit down to write something, my brain kinda cuts out and idk what i want to say, even though i got a lot of things to talk about and say. anyway. i've been playing the oblivion remaster, as well as my childhood copy of pokemon ruby (!!) when i get the time to chill out.. oblivion very good... i also got inzoi, but i've played about an hour or two and it feels, well, unfinished? but i am feeling a disappointed type of way about it since i didn't realize how heavy it makes use of genAI for it's assets and everything!!

i feel very bad because my boyfriend bought it me as a gift and i'm not sure he knew that, neither did i, otherwise i would have never wanted to play, and i feel bad that he's wasted his money on it. i also feel like it can't corner the same vibe that the sims did in it's humour and style, but i am also tired of EA's garbage business practices and unfinished shit that they think passes for a game now.

anyway.....

the past couple of months have tested me mentally like nothing has in a while. obviously it's difficult to move. i've done a lot of it in my time, but never with so much stuff, as i only ever used to have a small room's worth of belongings, but we were moving a whole house suddenly. we had to renovate our bedrooms before we could move in there, we spent a week doing that, and two days moving everything in, longer still fixing other things up. me and my sister clashed a lot. she likes things to go a specific way and to be in control of almost everything, which makes it very difficult to help, even when she does need help. and i've got a very short fuse and i struggle regulating that + my emotions when i'm stressed, so we butted heads a lot.

i've actually never felt more dysfunctional than the rest of my family than those weeks, since it all mostly stems from my bpd and the stress makes it way worse, as well as paranoia... i see them having way more patience for others, others getting more grace than i do and i wonder what the difference is and why, what i've done wrong... obviously from that my brain just fills it in with the worst conclusions, so it's been a horrid time for that.

it's been a lot of work and a lot of grasping at straws to hold myself together during this time, tbh. sometimes i've wanted nothing more than to relapse on self-harm or smoking, or to pick up new and worse habits, etc. i'd like nothing more than to let go of it all and do a fuck ton of drugs to unwind my mind and my body and everything i'm holding together to stay sane.

but sadly i've done the therapy and developed the self-awareness and come too far to fuck it up, so we move!

all this to say, i think i'm vastly burnt out, it's probably autistic burn out since let's be real, i was on that autism-to-BPD pipeline decades ago, and i need like,,, 2 months off work. i desperately need a week to sleep, a week to chill, a week to engage in my hobbies uninterrupted, a week or two to get the house under control, and a week to prepare to exist as a human again. how neurotypical/healthy people do this i truly can't fathom it.