alternative title: heartbreak 10: the final breakening.

the last three days have been absolutely horrendous for me. my heart has been hurting, my trust has been shattered, to a point i don't think it can be repaired. i sound so melodramatic but i don't care really. that is just how i am, i feel those kinds of things at 200%, so i'll write like it.

and i'm done holding my tongue on the things that men have done to me in my relationships, to protect their peace and image and friendships, while i rot with the secret knowledge of what they're all really like.

the way my (ex-)boyfriend has talked about me to other people, behind my back, has been so sexually degrading, they don't even bear repeating... and it's not that this is the sole reason that he is an ex, but it was the match that lit the flame, because it's like a switch turned on in my head, that just instantly recognised a pattern of behaviour that i had not been seeing before.

it hurts the most that having being asked why, i'm told it's a joke and that he did not think that those things would hurt me... meanwhile my heart actually is shattered, and i've completely lost my appetite to eat. i really never thought someone i loved could talk about me like that, and that's considering i always think people secretly hate me... but not to that degree.

i can't allow myself to keep being hurt like that while someone figures out how to treat people. i cannot do it anymore.

i feel like nothing has truly hit me yet. i feel a lot of rage, and then numbness about it. i don't even have it in me to act out and spite him. i don't even know how i'm going to feel tomorrow or next week, i kind of just feel confused and baffled... i don't know.

i woke up today and just tidied the house until i felt hunger set in, since i didn't know if i would feel it again.