i am simultaneously struggling a lot, as well as doing really well, lately. how very borderline of me!

how funnily that a relationship with someone has made me feel so safe as to doubt my borderline diagnosis at times, since i had not been displaying any symptoms or experiencing any awful mental thoughts/struggle, etc. i did truly feel very safe and loved with him, before i knew and understood he was not a good person and did not actually make me safe.

and ironically though i have been the one to leave and walk away, it's triggered me the worst i've been in a very long time. a lot of awfulness has resurfaced in my mind, and i am struggling to be better to myself.

i want to be alone and single, and i am happy to be single, but some deep part of me feels restless and desperate to date again, to find anyone to be in a relationship with in order to have that constant source of affection and dopamine, on demand.

i hate that i feel this. i don't want to put myself through any more pain and hurt by dating, it stresses me out so much, i feel fulfilled in my friendships and work and my life, but i feel worthless for not having something romantic.

it's like i am craving to put myself and my sanity at risk by dating people again and making myself that vulnerable. why do i want to hurt myself again?

i refuse to do so, i'm trying my best in order to find some happiness in other things instead. it's hard. i've lost my love for games, i'm struggling with so much. i feel hollowed out. and i feel like people are tired of hearing me talk about it.

i just feel so insane and depressed. i hate this. i hate him. if you are reading this, i hate you. and i hope your life rots. i've never wished such hurt upon someone before.

i feel so impermanent and lost that i want to reinvent my whole face. a new personality and style is just not enough any more. it's not enough to escape how bad he hurt me. i need to destroy my body and build a new one from the ground up, a body that he hasn't touched. i need a new body. i need a new flesh meat bag. i feel like i'm struggling to exist in my own body, like i'm slightly outside of it.

i have never felt this bad in so long. i hate him for doing this to me. i'm tired of this feeling already. i'm ready to be over it. i'm ready to move on from this pain, so why can't i?